unfair

this was written after a very long absence.  she had contacted me and wanted to get together…to see me.

i kind of love finding the old stuff i wrote.  it feels as if some stranger wrote this instead of me.  growth is amazing.
if it wasn’t for the old writing, i really don’t think i’d have anything to say.and i never thought i’d say that.

nothing is fair.

everything that happened between us was unfair
the timing, the parting, the situation…all of it
not an ounce of it was fair.

there is a negative side to writing out my feelings here.
like i said before – when mourning the death of a relationship, you tend to concentrate on all the great things…
and forget about the bad.
it’s not like i’ve forgotten the bad – because there was a lot of bad. it seems that when i talk about you here – i put the bad on a shelf
and make our love look ever so glamorous.
it had it’s glamour, for sure. parts of us were so very beautiful my sweet. it’s those parts that keep me holding on to the memories. keep me holding on to you.
the bad parts are what keep us in this place of separation.
the bad parts are what scream our finality.

so when i talk about you storming back in to my life
whether it be an email or a blog intended for my eyes only…
or when you change your email address to send me your thoughts…the feelings in your heart

well that’s plain selfish.
that’s unfair.

because really…i am perfectly fine without you in my life. it’s when you force your way into it that fucks me up.
it’s been two years, i have healed. but then you resurface, and i am left re-bandaging an old wound.

just because you have things to say it doesn’t mean that you need to share them with me
that’s what journals are for…or blogs – ya know – the ones i don’t know about.
you once told me that you reach out to me…by phone or by email to help me heal.
the truth is, you really don’t want me to heal at all.

you want me to think of you
you want me to hurt and to feel things that have been long abandoned
you want to rip my heart out.
there is no healing in that.

you mentioned in a blog a while back that you would like to get together for a coffee
to catch up. but you don’t want to know the details of my life.
how is that rebuilding a friendship?? – or what the hell is the point of meeting up for a coffee if you don’t even want to know about my life?

it’s unfair of you to make me suffer and go through this incredible heart ache every time you feel like revisiting the past.
that’s what’s unfair.
but you know this.
i sometimes forget how amazingly manipulative you can be.

yes, our not being together is based on many many many unfair circumstances.
it’s a shame that we will never know how incredible we may have been.
but everything happens for a reason…and i am well aware of all the reasons.

when you feel like revisiting the past, please don’t bring me along for the ride
i do just fine without rewinding my life back to a time and place that no longer exists.

you were one of my greatest loves – i loved you so much
i will always love you.
that’s what hurts the most. knowing i will always love you.

but…you ripping my heart out intentionally?
that’s not unfair, that’s just cruel.

i rise

i discovered something about myself over the past few years
i am a one woman kind of woman

i realized i only have it in me to give myself physically to one person and to one person only.

as much as i was convinced i could entertain the idea of being intimate with two people in the same time period
i couldn’t.

so even though i was conflicted between 2 people…i only allowed myself to be physical with one.

that’s where honesty is so important
and trust. oh, don’t forget trust.

you naturally trust someone you’ve known for years
you naturally trust someone you give your body to
(even though my gut warned me, i ignored)

it’s a horrible feeling being lied to…especially when it could compromise your health.

the shame i felt, going to my doctor and asking for blood work
and getting a complete physical to see if this person gave me a gift that would remind me of her for the rest of my life.

telling my doctor that i would like to be tested for STD’s
the shame, red face.

the worry, and the complete hate i felt for her…as the days passed…while i waited for the results.
the agony in those moments

and the agony i faced afterwards.

she was never worth it.

this experience alone, was all i needed.
it’s nothing i ever want to experience again.

she just about ruined me
but i rise
i always rise.

burns

Your betrayal burns

Fire sets my heart ablaze

The ashes my tears

in my eyes

I’ve been quiet

I’ve had a hushed mind and a still heart
These are all good things.

If I write, that means I am conflicted…sad…down

It’s a catch 22 really. I love to write. When I am happy the words just don’t seem to flow the way they should and it frustrates me.

I am not sad. I am nothing really

I am moving on.

Of course there are times that the anger sets in
But those days are less and less
The vacancy light in my heart is a mere flicker, it’s bound to burn out soon enough
And so will she.

I know this will happen. It’s happened before.

I try to explain my feelings when it comes to her
And I find myself tongue tied

How is it that someone can burn in your mind
When you really don’t actively think of them?

Meaning…
I don’t miss her.
She was chaos. And not the good kind.

I don’t long or ache for her.
Because I don’t want her.

I don’t cry for “what could have been”
The “what if’s”
Because I know the answers.

I don’t listen to sappy love songs and think of her.
She was not the love of my life

She was a season
A moment
A less than

No…she never started out that way
She was someone I loved
but a person’s true colours are bound to come out eventually
and oh how they did
a rainbow of bullshit and lies

I have no intention of opening the door
It’s dead bolted
There is no going back

In the past I would want to talk to her
But not this time

She’s done too much damage
She lied too much

I used to look at her and be in awe
But now, not so.
My eyes would be dead.

Everything’s changed.

I know my heart won’t flutter
If I were to see her again
My heart wouldn’t skip a beat
If she called.

All that died.

I no longer have that love in my heart
And so she is not the one I lay awake at night
Thinking about

The life I have
Right now
This is what dreams are made of

When a love song touches me
It is because I think about the one I love the most

I ache at just the thought of not being with my love
she makes me write the most beautiful love poems
Because my love… is my love
My love is my muse

she doesn’t hold a candle to my love

and in hindsight she never really did.

She has become my after thought
my regret
my biggest mistake

I loved her once
It seems like a lifetime ago

now

The passion is gone
The affection replaced..
Love…forever dead

If she were to look into my eyes
There would be no denying it

Because my eyes never lie
The love is gone

How I’d love for her to see who she has become
In my eyes

(a stranger
a no one)

These eyes that love her no longer

eleven

this was written last year:

it’s been eleven days

and i am starting to breathe again

finally sleeping again

i am still grieving

and hurting

thinking about you

just less and less

but still

i think of you

i know from experience…

that this too shall pass.

and i may find myself thinking of you

here and there

once in a while

like when the moon and the stars

are particularly bright

or when i hear a certain song on the radio

grief can be funny

in such a very sad way.

i miss you

but not as much as i did eleven days ago

maybe soon

i won’t miss you at all.

clarity

clarity has hit me like a ton of bricks

tonight

and so many nights before this

i realized

that if i take a moment to not glamorize

the love that was us

if i take away the Hollywood that was us

we were nothing

but two people…excited about the unknown

and now that i know you

i just don’t get the hype

picture

how does it feel

to look at my face

and not be able to caress me

to not have and hold

love and adore

why do you stare

just stare at my face

look at me with adoring eyes

read my face for the slightest sign

of longing

desire

returned affection

does my picture

make you feel as if

i was there

with you

beside you

loving you

because i am not

put it away, let it go

let me go

i was never yours to begin with

it’s just a picture

it holds no worth

it doesn’t speak a thousand words

the words you long to hear

it is just a picture

a still frame

of me

but it is not me

i am not yours