this was written after a very long absence. she had contacted me and wanted to get together…to see me.
i kind of love finding the old stuff i wrote. it feels as if some stranger wrote this instead of me. growth is amazing.
if it wasn’t for the old writing, i really don’t think i’d have anything to say.and i never thought i’d say that.
nothing is fair.
everything that happened between us was unfair
the timing, the parting, the situation…all of it
not an ounce of it was fair.
there is a negative side to writing out my feelings here.
like i said before – when mourning the death of a relationship, you tend to concentrate on all the great things…
and forget about the bad.
it’s not like i’ve forgotten the bad – because there was a lot of bad. it seems that when i talk about you here – i put the bad on a shelf
and make our love look ever so glamorous.
it had it’s glamour, for sure. parts of us were so very beautiful my sweet. it’s those parts that keep me holding on to the memories. keep me holding on to you.
the bad parts are what keep us in this place of separation.
the bad parts are what scream our finality.
so when i talk about you storming back in to my life
whether it be an email or a blog intended for my eyes only…
or when you change your email address to send me your thoughts…the feelings in your heart
well that’s plain selfish.
because really…i am perfectly fine without you in my life. it’s when you force your way into it that fucks me up.
it’s been two years, i have healed. but then you resurface, and i am left re-bandaging an old wound.
just because you have things to say it doesn’t mean that you need to share them with me
that’s what journals are for…or blogs – ya know – the ones i don’t know about.
you once told me that you reach out to me…by phone or by email to help me heal.
the truth is, you really don’t want me to heal at all.
you want me to think of you
you want me to hurt and to feel things that have been long abandoned
you want to rip my heart out.
there is no healing in that.
you mentioned in a blog a while back that you would like to get together for a coffee
to catch up. but you don’t want to know the details of my life.
how is that rebuilding a friendship?? – or what the hell is the point of meeting up for a coffee if you don’t even want to know about my life?
it’s unfair of you to make me suffer and go through this incredible heart ache every time you feel like revisiting the past.
that’s what’s unfair.
but you know this.
i sometimes forget how amazingly manipulative you can be.
yes, our not being together is based on many many many unfair circumstances.
it’s a shame that we will never know how incredible we may have been.
but everything happens for a reason…and i am well aware of all the reasons.
when you feel like revisiting the past, please don’t bring me along for the ride
i do just fine without rewinding my life back to a time and place that no longer exists.
you were one of my greatest loves – i loved you so much
i will always love you.
that’s what hurts the most. knowing i will always love you.
but…you ripping my heart out intentionally?
that’s not unfair, that’s just cruel.