side effects


i don’t sleep.

it’s amazing how a body can function with little to no sleep
i was always exhausted with you…
and now i am exhausted without.

i survive on the deepest, shortest power naps.
somehow. some way.


i feel the need to move.

i can’t stay still. my body…although exhausted
needs to keep going

i walk.

pace the house
walk the trails


and so i drink wine.

memory loss

the sweet wine.
it settles my thoughts
just enough to let my mind rest.

erratic behaviour

i don’t listen to anything sentimental.
it would push me over the edge.

i found an old cd in my car
dance music.
old crappy dance music

i turn it up as loud as my ears can handle
and my body cannot help but dance

i don’t care who watches me
and it seems that many do
they look my way and smile
i smile back

they can’t see that behind that smile
i’m crying.
(thank god for sunglasses)
because lets face it…
any song
even old crappy dance music makes me think of you
and so i fake it till i make it.

loss of appetite.

nothing fuels me.
i get sick at the thought of food.
nothing sustains me.
well…except wine.

weight loss

i’ve lost more weight in 7 days
than i have in months.

apparently this fresh hell i live in
is amazing for my waist line.
it’s like a magic pill.

i should bottle this
this ache without you
and sell it to the masses.

we’d be broken and empty

but damn we’d look good.

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how do you kill a feeling

how do you kill a feeling?

how do you make it vanish.

how do you

feel the way you felt before…
you felt it.


how do you make it not exist

do you kick it in to submission

stab it with your words

break it with your eyes

destroy it with your fists?


how do you kill a feeling

before it kills you

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i waited…
with bated breath…for you to leave.
for my heart to release you.
physically you had been gone almost a year
but you lived there.
in the place that ached with each and every breath
i struggled with loving you, missing you
i wrestled with hating you and and denying your existence

my heart was closed
no vacancy
not for you

or so i thought

my heart
it ached.
and the more i denied it…the more it hurt

you occupied the space
between asleep and awake
where the heart is most open

it was there that you found me
vulnerable and oh so very sad.

i often wonder if you knew this
if you came to me…
with purpose
in those quiet moments
haunting my sleep.

made me believe that i was dreaming
when really
you were right there
curled up in my heart

there is no vacancy
no room left
this beating mass
this thing they call a heart

it’s consumed
with you
all consumed

how can a heart feel so full
and vacant.
all in the same breath

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a thousand times

my fingers
they have not traced her naked skin
but in my minds’ eye
i have touched her a thousand times

soft skin
under hungry fingers
i’ve memorized her body
a thousand times

her soft moans
in my ear
her hips moving
underneath my own


she’s been under me
a thousand times
in my minds’ eye

my head thrown back
hair wild
biting my lip, to stop myself from screaming
screaming her name
i slide inside of her
a thousand times

my mouth takes her in
my tongue tasting and teasing
wanting and wet
i am drowning in her

a thousand times

a thousand times
in my minds’ eye

she fucks me with her eyes
without moving an inch
without saying a word

and i am seduced
unable to move
paralyzed in my desire

begging her to
cum a little closer

i am hers

a thousand times over
i am hers

she takes me
she owns me
makes me beg for more

leaves me aching for more

my fingers
haven’t laid themselves on her


oh, but in my minds’ eye

they have touched her a thousand times

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